mere church?

this is going to be long, seeing as it's an accumulation of organized thoughts in response to from about a month ago (more or less).

i go to church, and have started to attend bible studies, because i want to know more about God. because i really do not know. i've always been curious about it, it feels like. i've always been surrounded by the christian faith, from when i was 2 onward. i never really went to church aside from about a month or two in my life when i went with my dad to a friends' and fellowship (quaker) gathering, and going with my friends to church on sundays after i spend a night at their place. the curiosity has particularly grown more recently, after reading c.s. lewis' screwtape letters (and sort of kinda of working my way into mere christianity). so before this summer, occasionally i would go to get to know more about it.

i walked into jca on a few occasions in the past three years and have never, truly been turned a christian. i've walked into churches every so often in the past decade, have listened to sermons. i've been to bible studies a couple times before. and you know, after all that, i've never truly felt like i wanted to become a christian. i was once an atheist, or more to say, i hated God. i had that bruce almighty mentality of "God is a kid with a magnifying glass, and i'm the ant."

after awhile, i realized atheism is definitely not the right word that i was aiming for (since atheism, you know, would deny the existence of a God). and that's what the cool kids back in the day used to do. that was middle school, early high school. in between my going to bible study in an attempt to appease this God, similarly. i was a confused, confused child.

so at some point, i walked away from that. it must have been puberty. really. i never had that angst for my parents, even when i listened to punk rock groups. i didn't stir up too many waves.

i came to college without too much opinion on religion. i did think that going to church every so often was a good thing. so you know, i discovered jca in freshman year, and occasionally went. i've never been to a church like it before.

it's a college-aimed church, which would be fairly evident considering services are at georgia tech. but there are so many asians! it took me by surprise at first, and put me a little off. but you know, there's a reason why first impressions never really make it.

the rock-esque praise songs took me by surprise, as i found myself tapping my feet to the rhythm of it. the guitar, the bass, the drums, the singers... all of this with the singing from the architecture lecture hall (where service was being held) made at first for, essentially, a mellower rock concert. which was awesome (me, being the avid music fan that i am). but that isn't spiritual, these people aren't here just because of that. these people truly want to reach out to God.

my favorite moment in there (one of my most memorable moments) was actually the first time i went to jca with hibisca. sophia was standing in the front end of the lecture hall, three or four rows away from the very front. eyes closed, arms spread out, and singing. she was spinning around every so often, and it's clear that she's like that little child enjoying being enveloped by the rain -- a sort of bliss and happiness that you hardly ever see. it blows me away, even today, when people are so touched by what they sing, and to whom they sing it to. and just for me to sing it gives me shivers. Shivers.

it's such an integral part of some peoples' lives. presented so openly before us, that some would go on right ahead and beat at it, smash at it. those that think they have the perfect story of these peoples' religion without ever talking to them about it. it's such a shame.

none of this is to say that i am a christian. to assume automatically would be understandable. but to clarify, i am still not. and so (yet, still, etc.) why not go to church? it's always been a standing offer for other folk to come to the church. so i've been going every so often. from day one, i've found pastor matt to be a great speaker from the day i started going. and he's always had some interesting points to bring out. it's great to have the reminders of how one can live. and let's face it, shouldn't we have someone to point us the right way every so often? aren't we constantly reminded in one way or another how we should act? in a book, by a friend, by some random action on the street, sometime in our life? why not get it from another source, why push away when there's this opportunity right here? why not from a pastor? even statistics should say (by the normal curve) that there has GOT to be someone who's got sensible things to say. and one like pastor matt as engaging as he as well -- it' s rare to find a combination like him, and i'm certainly fortunate that we've crossed paths.

yes, he is a pastor, and he does talk about the Bible (as he should, seeing as that's his job). and the whole talk of God still does make me wince once in awhile. but you know, being out of my comfort zone has been rewarding.

my purpose that i go to jca and bible study is to achieve the following:

• continue to remind myself about some of the virtues and morals of a good human being.

• get to learn more about God and His ways -- because i've never known or understood. and someday, i'd like to read the torah and the qu'ran too. and if i can manage some other religious readings. part of this is so i can understand all these religions. this has sparked from the many megaphone christians and the demonstrating christians on tech campus, who i refuse to believe that my friends, my dear friends are part of these people who i cannot see as being right. the words of martin buber always stick out when i pass these folk by:

"at times, the atheist staring from his attic window is closer to God than the believer caught up in his own false image of God."

• rock on to the good music, and be surrounded by these people that are so into the music, be a part of it in some small way, and sing. it's so nice to be able to sing.

none of us know the answer. so it is awfully nice to get some clues and hints as to how to live in some manageable form. i like getting pointed to some direction and deciding if that's a direction i want to go. or to just keep in mind about, because i know with my memory and my ditziness, being reminded is a nice thing. keeping an open mind. i know i can be a hypocrite, we all can be. but i keep convinced that maybe if i hear about how i could be better, if i could think about it, and weigh all my decisions (which won't exactly happen, but to attempt would be better than none). some of the things that i've been reminded about have been so eloquently put!

and my mind isn't automatically to "do everything church tells me to do."

there is a thinking process.

yeah, i know, it's really crazy -- i do have a brain. rené descrates, cogito ergo sum.

and at times, i need someone to tell me that i'm on the right track. funny, seeing as i'm listening to a christian pastor, and the only way that i can really be on the right track is to believe in God. but i'm taking the God part out, and finding myself "on the right track." to what? i guess being someone decent.

for example:

andy stanley's "staying in love" sermon has beautiful points. i love listening to him (after getting suggestions from shawty). philippians 2:3. and how falling in love needs a pulse, but staying in love needs a plan. making love a verb.

pastor matt's current sermons on the book of James. we all go through trials, this is how we grow. to be able to resist temptations that lead to sin (christian or otherwise), and endure whatever trials before us will make us better.

i don't really have a lot of examples at this moment. these two points are currently what i'm listening to. hopefully i can remember some others as the years go by. i guess we'll see.

aren't some of the things in the Bible true? doesn't it have a point? and you know, we do forget. and if these fellas have been having this kind of problem 2000 years ago plus (i guess?), then we might as well relate to it. and it might feel a little better to know they've got something figured out something anyway. i'll take advice from them.

they are, you know, my (great-great-great-great-great-great-great)^(great^2) grandfolk. i suppose.

i hope i can learn more, bit by bit.

i don't expect to become a christian, but if in the process i do become one, then so be it, that's the way it goes. what i don't want to take up some religion in the spirit of Pascal's Wager. at the very least, i'd like to know what i'm getting myself into.