it's been a good day. kind of.

there were aspects of it anyway, that were great.

for example:

shift today -- most chill shift ever from 5 am to 9 am.
later, kind of got MATLAB dsp stuff done. kind of, but similarly not really.
orgo homework doesn't look as bad as it originally did. but i still need to work on it.
summer league ultimate was so much fun today. i felt like i was moving really really well considering. and i feel a little more confident with my flicks again. though i still think i tense up, and that results in the disc blading. but i feel like intramurals will be great this year.
there are aspects of it that i still need to consider -- for example, what's with all these guys i want to play with being on the club team? but that will work itself out. maybe??

we're going to play so well this year. eddie, get better soon.

vent

call it being naïve. but i didn't realize office politics comes up everywhere.

and it really sucks working under bosses that you really don't want to work under.
and hypocrisy is terrible. absolutely terrible.

also, i don't hide my aggravation very well. nor do i do a very good job of diffusing it. i really need to work on that. containing is a BAD plan. especially since i think my anger function is like a big giant infinite while loop without an n + 1 command at the end of it. infinite while loop ftw (not really).

side note: if MATLAB comes up in my blog, you know it's bad news. especially those that know how much i hate programming in general.

i'm going to stop before i go on a swearing spree.
i need to go to bed. i feel like a giant 5 year old who needs his naptime.

with a little more potential collateral damage.

black jack

i spent my 21st birthday in probably the best style i could (for me).

i went to my classes.
went and led my workout for lifeguarding... and worked out.
finished some assignments.

and then...

PLAYED SUMMER LEAGUE FRISBEE.

and my ankle wasn't bothering me too much. that might not be the case tomorrow, so i'm taking some ibuprofen. but really, the only way to make it better would have been that it was not the summer, and i was in company of more friends. alas, that's what i get for having a romantic birthday (see tanabata on wikipedia). but truly, it's nice to hear "happy birthday" from so many people.

i've realized though, that it really isn't about me. it's about everyone that's been with me for so long in these 21 years. from my parents and family to my friends -- who are pretty much family too. so thank you to them, for these years. and maybe in time i can celebrate the time i've been granted to be in the company of so many incredible people. all of you are awesome, and i can't wait to see everybody in the fall.

also, i learned something about ultimate.

one of the things i respect about ultimate is that it's an "honest sport." as in, it's up to you to make the right calls. if you've been fouled, you call it. but be honest about it, etc. so i definitely got "taken advantage of" today a couple times, partly because of my lack in experience of the sport. a foul was called on me twice, one time the guy ran into me, and i was like "whatever." and didn't contest. the second time i dove to block a hammer (which was pretty sweet, btw), but then someone called a foul for pushing him away. which was bull. and then a girl said that i tackled her. which i dont' think was true, but it was pretty close. so i gave it to them, and was like "whatever."

so, i'm looking at the rules.

but to me, ultimate and tennis will forever be honest sports.
i just can't believe these people who are so... stupid. and competitive.
i just want to say one day to them:

"what are you doing?"

running

i don't enjoy running, but i enjoy the feeling of having run.

i don't enjoy running but i appreciate the feeling of having accomplished something.

i don't enjoy running, but i appreciate the fact the running will be useful for tennis, and frisbee next season.

i don't enjoy running, but i still want to push myself to my limits.

i don't enjoy running, but it certainly is a good way to let your brain recuperate after having stuck it in a virtual microwave of tests and homework.

...you know what?

i enjoy running.

for the first time since it's started i've actually found some time to watch wimbledon this year.
presently, watching juan carlos ferrero and fernando gonzalez playing. it's like back in the day.

times have changed.

i still remember watching the old heroes. my old heroes.

marat safin. andre agassi. carlos moya. james blake.
those guys were so amazing. agassi's gone now, safin's thinking of retiring. moya is MIA.
well, at least i've got blake.

times have changed.

but boy, i love wmbledon.

i know this feeling inside of me

i had the best weekend ever. while i spent more time on the road than in iowa, i have to say every hour in iowa was worth three hours on the bus. so to say that, it would've been worth being on the greyhound bus even if i was on the bus for a total of 144 hours. yes, i do mean that.

and for proof, i have no photos to show.

the longer it stays in my memory, the better it gets. and the weekend was pretty damn good.
although, greyhound is not the best way to travel. people have to do it once, but all in all, at the end, you have to conclude that trains and airplanes are the ways to go. or road trips with great friends.

this week though is terrible.

monday i got back from iowa, went straight to lifeguarding. got home around 10:30 or so. proceeded to go to bed. collapse.

tuesday i woke up with stomach-flu-ish. wasn't too fun. although i think it was just the exhaustion from travelling. it happens every time i travel, no matter what. some kind of body shut down thing, i mean. not necessarily a stomach flu. i got to see my dad and jimmy for three hours, and it was very pleasant. and then proceeded to study, and go to lifeguarding again. which wasn't too fun, because i was there until 10 pm again, and everyone was not in the mood to work. me, least of all. so that really aggravated me, i guess, because this was my second time being there for inservice in one week. everyone else only had to be there once. and then when i went back home i was so aggravated i didn't even realize i had the pool keys still with me, so the lifeguards couldn't close the pool. so they had to call my boss to get the spare. and i felt horrible as soon as i found out, and went straight to the pool to put it back. yeah.

wednesday are always terrible for a good portion of it. i have dsp, and dsp lab. i spent most of the day trying to get DSP lab done BEFORE lab so i could go to the orgo review session. which i managed, thankfully. but is always frustrating, because i really don't feel like they explain the material very well. and orgo review was a little overwhelming. the good part was, i understood most of the test. the bad part was, i was making a lot of dumb mistakes on the practice tests. so that was a little disconcerting that i didn't realize. after, family group. which was fairly short. i kind of wish we expanded more on what was said. James 2:1-13, i think it was. and we discussed judging versus rebuking. i got to talk to brandon and hibisca later, though, and that helped organize my thoughts and understand the topic more.
then, proceed to all nighter minus two hrs.

today -- took the orgo test. oh boy. some nice things happened today. i got money! that's always great. and a text in the morning before i took my orgo test. it always makes me feel less nervous when that happens. :)

tomorrow -- dsp test. oh dear.

i can't wait till it's all over tomorrow. and then... hopefully i will have a weekend...?

also, i've started to try and keep track of my spending. i've realized it can really get out of control.
similarly, i've also decided to track my weight, so hopefully i can lose some poundage before end of summer.

mere church?

this is going to be long, seeing as it's an accumulation of organized thoughts in response to from about a month ago (more or less).

i go to church, and have started to attend bible studies, because i want to know more about God. because i really do not know. i've always been curious about it, it feels like. i've always been surrounded by the christian faith, from when i was 2 onward. i never really went to church aside from about a month or two in my life when i went with my dad to a friends' and fellowship (quaker) gathering, and going with my friends to church on sundays after i spend a night at their place. the curiosity has particularly grown more recently, after reading c.s. lewis' screwtape letters (and sort of kinda of working my way into mere christianity). so before this summer, occasionally i would go to get to know more about it.

i walked into jca on a few occasions in the past three years and have never, truly been turned a christian. i've walked into churches every so often in the past decade, have listened to sermons. i've been to bible studies a couple times before. and you know, after all that, i've never truly felt like i wanted to become a christian. i was once an atheist, or more to say, i hated God. i had that bruce almighty mentality of "God is a kid with a magnifying glass, and i'm the ant."

after awhile, i realized atheism is definitely not the right word that i was aiming for (since atheism, you know, would deny the existence of a God). and that's what the cool kids back in the day used to do. that was middle school, early high school. in between my going to bible study in an attempt to appease this God, similarly. i was a confused, confused child.

so at some point, i walked away from that. it must have been puberty. really. i never had that angst for my parents, even when i listened to punk rock groups. i didn't stir up too many waves.

i came to college without too much opinion on religion. i did think that going to church every so often was a good thing. so you know, i discovered jca in freshman year, and occasionally went. i've never been to a church like it before.

it's a college-aimed church, which would be fairly evident considering services are at georgia tech. but there are so many asians! it took me by surprise at first, and put me a little off. but you know, there's a reason why first impressions never really make it.

the rock-esque praise songs took me by surprise, as i found myself tapping my feet to the rhythm of it. the guitar, the bass, the drums, the singers... all of this with the singing from the architecture lecture hall (where service was being held) made at first for, essentially, a mellower rock concert. which was awesome (me, being the avid music fan that i am). but that isn't spiritual, these people aren't here just because of that. these people truly want to reach out to God.

my favorite moment in there (one of my most memorable moments) was actually the first time i went to jca with hibisca. sophia was standing in the front end of the lecture hall, three or four rows away from the very front. eyes closed, arms spread out, and singing. she was spinning around every so often, and it's clear that she's like that little child enjoying being enveloped by the rain -- a sort of bliss and happiness that you hardly ever see. it blows me away, even today, when people are so touched by what they sing, and to whom they sing it to. and just for me to sing it gives me shivers. Shivers.

it's such an integral part of some peoples' lives. presented so openly before us, that some would go on right ahead and beat at it, smash at it. those that think they have the perfect story of these peoples' religion without ever talking to them about it. it's such a shame.

none of this is to say that i am a christian. to assume automatically would be understandable. but to clarify, i am still not. and so (yet, still, etc.) why not go to church? it's always been a standing offer for other folk to come to the church. so i've been going every so often. from day one, i've found pastor matt to be a great speaker from the day i started going. and he's always had some interesting points to bring out. it's great to have the reminders of how one can live. and let's face it, shouldn't we have someone to point us the right way every so often? aren't we constantly reminded in one way or another how we should act? in a book, by a friend, by some random action on the street, sometime in our life? why not get it from another source, why push away when there's this opportunity right here? why not from a pastor? even statistics should say (by the normal curve) that there has GOT to be someone who's got sensible things to say. and one like pastor matt as engaging as he as well -- it' s rare to find a combination like him, and i'm certainly fortunate that we've crossed paths.

yes, he is a pastor, and he does talk about the Bible (as he should, seeing as that's his job). and the whole talk of God still does make me wince once in awhile. but you know, being out of my comfort zone has been rewarding.

my purpose that i go to jca and bible study is to achieve the following:

• continue to remind myself about some of the virtues and morals of a good human being.

• get to learn more about God and His ways -- because i've never known or understood. and someday, i'd like to read the torah and the qu'ran too. and if i can manage some other religious readings. part of this is so i can understand all these religions. this has sparked from the many megaphone christians and the demonstrating christians on tech campus, who i refuse to believe that my friends, my dear friends are part of these people who i cannot see as being right. the words of martin buber always stick out when i pass these folk by:

"at times, the atheist staring from his attic window is closer to God than the believer caught up in his own false image of God."

• rock on to the good music, and be surrounded by these people that are so into the music, be a part of it in some small way, and sing. it's so nice to be able to sing.

none of us know the answer. so it is awfully nice to get some clues and hints as to how to live in some manageable form. i like getting pointed to some direction and deciding if that's a direction i want to go. or to just keep in mind about, because i know with my memory and my ditziness, being reminded is a nice thing. keeping an open mind. i know i can be a hypocrite, we all can be. but i keep convinced that maybe if i hear about how i could be better, if i could think about it, and weigh all my decisions (which won't exactly happen, but to attempt would be better than none). some of the things that i've been reminded about have been so eloquently put!

and my mind isn't automatically to "do everything church tells me to do."

there is a thinking process.

yeah, i know, it's really crazy -- i do have a brain. rené descrates, cogito ergo sum.

and at times, i need someone to tell me that i'm on the right track. funny, seeing as i'm listening to a christian pastor, and the only way that i can really be on the right track is to believe in God. but i'm taking the God part out, and finding myself "on the right track." to what? i guess being someone decent.

for example:

andy stanley's "staying in love" sermon has beautiful points. i love listening to him (after getting suggestions from shawty). philippians 2:3. and how falling in love needs a pulse, but staying in love needs a plan. making love a verb.

pastor matt's current sermons on the book of James. we all go through trials, this is how we grow. to be able to resist temptations that lead to sin (christian or otherwise), and endure whatever trials before us will make us better.

i don't really have a lot of examples at this moment. these two points are currently what i'm listening to. hopefully i can remember some others as the years go by. i guess we'll see.

aren't some of the things in the Bible true? doesn't it have a point? and you know, we do forget. and if these fellas have been having this kind of problem 2000 years ago plus (i guess?), then we might as well relate to it. and it might feel a little better to know they've got something figured out something anyway. i'll take advice from them.

they are, you know, my (great-great-great-great-great-great-great)^(great^2) grandfolk. i suppose.

i hope i can learn more, bit by bit.

i don't expect to become a christian, but if in the process i do become one, then so be it, that's the way it goes. what i don't want to take up some religion in the spirit of Pascal's Wager. at the very least, i'd like to know what i'm getting myself into.